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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26112439">Trying to Explain Sexuality to a Literal Monster</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/horatioclerval/pseuds/horatioclerval'>horatioclerval</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Gay Dirk Gently, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nonbinary The Beast (Dirk Gently)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:02:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>537</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26112439</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/horatioclerval/pseuds/horatioclerval</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk tries to explain why the whole "boyfriend" thing won't work out, and The Beast doesn't understand.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>The Beast &amp; Dirk Gently</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Trying to Explain Sexuality to a Literal Monster</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Dear?”</p><p>“Yez, Bibbit?” The Beast had managed to drape herself across Dirk’s lap, using the vine wrapped around his neck to suspend her as she leaned back. He wasn’t particularly sure how he wasn’t being suffocated.</p><p>“I do believe that there is something dreadfully important that I must explain to you-”</p><p>“Awww, Bibbit saz?”</p><p>“No, darling, Bibbit is… ah, Bibbit is worried that he will make you sad, darling.”</p><p>“Bibbit make saz? Howt? Howt Bibbit make saz?” The Beast seemed terribly concerned about this as a possibility, as if the mere notion of disappointing her was something only a madman could dream up.</p><p>“I… Bibbit, that is, I am…” How was he supposed to say this? How was he supposed to explain, in terms a rainbow forest monster could understand, something he barely understood about himself and, to a large degree, <em>feared</em>? “You know how you say, darling, that Bibbit is your boyfriend-”</p><p>“Yez!” She seemed thrilled, screeching and somehow nuzzling closer to him. “Yez! Yoo mah boyfre! Meh love-oooo-”</p><p>“Yes, dear, but, ah, there might be the slightest hindrance to that plan,” he said, glancing down to her scrunched up face. “You see, you know how you love Bibbit?” This received several enthusiastic nods, or something akin to nodding where the Beast rocked her entire body, continuing to pull on the vine around Dirk’s neck. “Well, I don’t believe, dear, that Bibbit loves you in the same way-”</p><p>“No, stupid Bibbit! No, Bibbit loves, Bibbit said to be mah boyfre!”</p><p>“Well, that’s just the thing, darling, I wasn’t agreeing. In fact I was questioning what you had said because, well, I <em>can’t</em> be your boyfriend. I just don’t feel… You know how when you looked at me and thought, ‘I want that to be my boyfriend,’ or, whatever you thought, well, <em>I can’t think that back</em>. When I look at you, and you are lovely, darling, I am incapable of thinking, ‘I want you to be my,’ uh, ‘girlfriend.’”</p><p>“Silly Bibbit! Bibbit wentz garfre, yez?” Dirk was honestly quite surprised that she hadn’t hit him, or covered his mouth, or yelled “Shutsie!”, or honestly, retaliated in any serious way. However, this did not stop his heartbeat from thinking that it was time to run, very, very fast, away from her, and, particularly, her questions.</p><p>“Well, my dear, you’ve actually hit the nail on the head - oh, I suppose you don’t know what that means - you’ve, uh. You’re exactly right, or, rather, wrong. Bibbit - and I cannot stress this enough - Bibbit does not want any girlfriend, not just you, but uh…” Dirk took a breath and swallowed. “But in general. At all. That’s not for me.”</p><p>The Beast’s face scrunched up even further, something that Dirk had not previously though possible (though perhaps it was an optical illusion caused by the alien ridges across her brow), and seemed to think for a moment. “Bibbit wentz... boyfre?”</p><p>Said Bibbit turned quite pink. “Uh, right again, dear. Bibbit - that is, I - would much prefer..” He trailed off, unable to finish.</p><p>She slapped him across the head, seemingly in joy.</p><p>“Hey- ow! That hurt!”</p><p>The Beast leaned back again and laughed (Dirk assumed). “Silly Bibbit! Me’cah te Bibbit boyfre!”</p><p><br/>Oh.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please leave constructive criticism (or non-constructive, just tear me to shreds lol) in the comments.</p><p>Beastisms:<br/>"Bibbit wentz garfre, yez?" -&gt; Bibbit wants a girlfriend, yes?<br/>"Me’cah te Bibbit boyfre!" -&gt; Me (I) can be Bibbit's boyfriend!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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